One of the simplest, most under-used fixes in proposal writing is also one of the most powerful: control your proposal sentence length. Recently, working with a client to improve their executive summaries, we focused on a more client-centered message, the customer’s problems first, then how solving those problems would deliver a big payback to the client’s organization.
But we also talked about doing something so simple that anybody can do it: Keep your average sentence length around 15 words per sentence. Why? Because it will make your writing much easier to understand.
Why Sentence Length Matters in Federal Proposals
Proposal writing isn’t like other writing. Evaluators don’t read your proposal straight through — they skim it against Section M evaluation criteria, one requirement at a time, looking for evidence that scores. That’s the “evaluators skim” reality every proposal writer has to design for. Long, tangled sentences bury that evidence.
Every extra clause is another place an evaluator can lose track of your claim before they finish scoring it. That’s why proposal writing sentence length matters more here than in almost any other kind of business prose, and why concise proposal writing consistently outscores its wordier competition on identical technical merit.
The ideal sentence length in proposals, whether in an executive summary, a technical volume, or a past performance section, hovers around a 15-word average. That’s the 15-word rule at the heart of persuasive proposal writing: short enough for the evaluator to absorb, long enough to carry a real idea.
A Real Example: Before
Here’s an example. The following three sentences appeared in one of my client’s executive summaries:
Our wealth of data management experience gives us a unique vantage point in the market and allows us to build an understanding of both the challenges and the opportunities you and your various operating units face as you embark on reviewing data processing procedures and capabilities. Our aim is to leverage our enterprise, experience and expertise to focus upon the key operational requirements and to go far beyond them to deliver.
We are confident that we will be able to provide you with innovative services and solutions that will provide the opportunity to reduce costs and enhance operational performance across all areas of your business.
There are a number of things wrong with those sentences. The focus is primarily on the vendor — “our wealth of…experience,” our “unique vantage point,” “our aim,” and so on. They contain some broad generalities — going “far beyond” the requirements, providing “innovative services and solutions,” and other bits of fluff. And they sound generic. Although they nod toward the customer’s issues and requirements, this exact same verbiage could be used in a proposal for the Safeway grocery chain, the Little Sisters of the Poor charity, or General Electric’s Aircraft Engine Business Group.
But the first thing you notice is that the sentences are too long. There’s nothing wrong with them grammatically. They don’t contain any spelling or punctuation errors.
Signature line: They seem to drag themselves across the page like wounded snakes.
In total, the three sentences add up to 105 words. That’s an average of 35 words per sentence. For most adults, an average sentence length of 15 words, give or take a few, will be much easier to read and understand.
Need Sharper Proposal Prose That Actually Scores?
Our writers and reviewers apply the 15-word rule and customer-focused voice on every proposal, backed by 39 years and 5,000+ proposals at OCI. We’ll turn vendor-heavy drafts into prose evaluators actually absorb — and score.
A Real Example: After (Rewritten for The Book Barn)
If we rewrote these sentences, and made them a bit more specific to the client (a retail chain called The Book Barn), they would sound better:
We have twenty years’ experience designing data systems for retail outlets like the Book Barn. Retail chains often face unique challenges, such as tracking inventory, consolidating store information, and reconciling accounts. Our expertise in the retail sector enables us to design and implement data systems that successfully address these challenges.
By combining our insight into retail operations with our data processing expertise, we will deliver a system that meets your technical requirements and delivers bottom-line performance. You can expect reduced costs, improved operational performance, and a more integrated business environment.
That version has fewer words overall (90 compared to the 105 in the original). And the average sentence length is shorter than the original, too — an average of 18 words compared to 35 in the original.
Wouldn’t you agree it’s easier to read? And isn’t it a lot more persuasive?
Before vs After: The Numbers
| Metric | Original | Rewritten |
|---|---|---|
| Total words | 105 | 90 |
| Average sentence length | 35 words | 18 words |
| Focus | Vendor-focused | Customer-focused (The Book Barn) |
| Persuasive weight | Generic, could apply to any client | Specific, retail-sector concrete |
How to Cut Your Proposal Sentence Length
The good news: shortening long sentences in proposals is one of the highest-leverage edits you can make in an hour. If you’re wondering how to shorten proposal sentences without rewriting from scratch, a few practical proposal writing best practices deliver short sentences in proposals fast:
- Split any sentence with 2+ commas into two. If a sentence needs three commas to hold itself together, it’s almost always trying to do two jobs. Give each job its own sentence. Learning to split long sentences confidently is the single fastest way to bring proposal sentence length down without losing content.
- Cut fluff phrases. “Go far beyond,” “innovative services and solutions,” “leverage our enterprise” — Russell already identified these as generic filler in the example above. If a phrase could apply to any vendor, cut it.
- Lead with the customer’s action, not the vendor’s aim. Instead of “Our aim is to deliver…,” write “You will receive…” or “The Book Barn’s inventory system will…” Customer-focused sentences are almost always shorter and more persuasive.
- Read aloud. Anywhere you run out of breath is where a sentence needs a period. This works because sentence structure and reading rhythm are tightly linked.
- Test your average sentence length. Free tools like the Flesch reading ease and Hemingway Editor give you a proposal readability score in seconds. Aim for a 15-to-18-word average across the proposal.
Applying just these five techniques will usually bring an average proposal sentence length down from the mid-30s, a real 35-word average is genuinely common in unedited drafts, into the target range. No rewriting from scratch required.
How OCI Helps You Write Winning Proposal Prose
Russell Smith has led OCI for 39 years, and OCI has supported over 5,000 proposals with a talent bench of 6,000 consultants, meaning the discipline of controlling proposal sentence length isn’t theoretical, it’s how we write proposals every day. Two proposal writing services directly address the sentence-length, proposal writing style, and readability issues this article covers:
- Proposal Development / Government Proposal Writing: direct-match service; brings in seasoned proposal writers who already write to a target sentence length and customer-centered voice, so you don’t have to fix vendor-focused generic prose at Red Team. This is what clear proposal writing looks like at scale.
- Proposal Reviewers: a fresh, independent Red Team pass that provides proposal editing and catches long sentences, generic language, and vendor-focused writing before evaluators do. This is where confidence in the proposal’s readability actually gets earned.
For more on how readability directly affects your evaluator score, see 4 Ways to Get the Highest Score for Your Proposal Answer — the “Understanding” element in that framework depends directly on writing evaluators can actually parse, backed by concrete examples like the Book Barn rewrite above.
Frequently Asked Questions
Conclusion
Shortening your average proposal sentence length is one of the highest-leverage edits any proposal writer can make. It costs nothing, takes an hour, and directly affects how evaluators absorb, and score, your submission. Aim for a 15-word average, cut the vendor-focused fluff, and let concrete customer language do the persuading. The Book Barn rewrite above dropped 15 words and cut the average sentence length in half without losing a single technical point.
Need Sharper Proposal Prose That Actually Scores?
Our writers and reviewers apply the 15-word rule and customer-focused voice on every proposal, backed by 39 years and 5,000+ proposals at OCI. We’ll turn vendor-heavy drafts into prose evaluators actually absorb — and score.
