Comedy Corner

How an Operations Auditor would Review
Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony

It appears that for a considerable period of time the
four oboe players had nothing to do. The number should be
reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus
eliminating peaks of activity.

All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This
seems unnecessary duplication and the staff of the section
should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really
required, this could be obtained through an electric amplifier.

Much effort was absorbed in the playing of
demisemiquavers*. This seems an excessive refinement, and
it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest
semiquaver. If this is done, it would be possible to use
trainees and lower grade operators.

No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns
the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If
all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert
could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. If
Schubert had attended to these matters, he would probably
have been able to finish his symphony after all.